The Meaning of Life
by PikaNaNoDa
Summary: Gatsu reflects on events and people in his life.


"The Meaning of Life" by: Crimson Night  
  
Disclaimer: The sad truth is that I don't own Berserk.  
  
Note: I had the idea for this story while I was writing a follow up to 'Over the Edge of the Cliff.' It's basically Gatsu's thoughts about the members of the Hawks and how they survived as long as they did. I guess it's safe to say that he is thinking about these things right after he killed Yurius and Adonis. He is simply pondering away. Mostly, about Griffith, whom he doesn't understand and the guilt that he feels. (Some of the dialogue will probably be changed around and reworded a little. I do apologize if it bothers you. I can't be expected to remember the exact words spoken.) ------  
  
Celebrating. They were celebrating my entrance into the Band of the Hawks. I saw no reason to celebrate. I did not ask to be there. Pippin was so calm as he carried me on his shoulder down those steps, and into the room where I elbowed him in the nose. All the while I was screaming 'you bastard.' I remembered when I excepted the cup and looked up, meeting Griffith's eyes. He smiled, the smile he always offered in any situation.  
  
I believe every member of this band is drawn to him. I now understand what Judeau meant when he told me of this. Griffith's charisma is what makes everyone want to be near him. I think that the reason most of these men follow him is because they believe that he will fulfill his dream, a dream they themselves cling to because they do not have a dream of their own.  
  
I could almost say that it is the same for me but it's not. I didn't join of my own free will. I fought and lost. My life is his now to dispose of or use as he pleases. Even knowing that's the case and that I except it, he makes commands and leaves room for me to argue. I never do. He asks so much by saying so little. He will do anything it takes to see that his dream comes true. He is nothing more than a commoner, yet he strives for that which no man, regardless of social status, could ever achieve.  
  
I remember the rumors I heard when I was working as a mercenary who would take any job for a price and a chance to swing my sword. The White Hawk also known as death on the battlefield. I had never seen such a soldier, one so seemingly invincible. He uses a narrow blade that he wields with one hand.  
  
His face reveals no more than he allows it to. He acts as though he is a psychic and can make interpretations about a person and be completely correct. He is always so calm and cheerful when he's not being serious. He can so easily adapt to the world of royalty and seconds later be back in the world of being a leader to a mercenary band.  
  
He saves my life yet refuses to explain why. Why would he save my life? I am nothing more than one of hundreds who serve him with a sword. He can make everything seem different from what it really is.  
  
I remember the words he spoke to me when I had first entered the Hawks: 'I will have my own kingdom, Guts.' I thought he was dreaming, but know I see that he means it and will strive for it and will except nothing less. Because of that, I saw him as a young man who was determined to live a life he believed was his right to live. He believes that having his own kingdom is his right, as if he was born for that soul purpose.  
  
Now, I don't know how I see him anymore. After he looked straight into my eyes and spoke. I will always remember what he asked of me. The guilt will never let me forget.  
  
'Why did you call me?'  
  
'I need you to kill a man for me. Will you do it, Guts?'  
  
'Why don't you just command me to do it? After all, I do work for you.'  
  
'Because I am asking you.'  
  
Maybe I agreed to do it because he was asking and not commanding me. And now I hate myself more than I did before. I grieve for that child. I did not mean to kill him. I only meant to kill Yurius. I could have just wounded him or knocked him out couldn't I? Did he really have to die? Why? Why did Adonis have to die? I wish now that I could switch places with him so that he might have a chance to live his childhood. I never did.  
  
I was raised to wield a sword. Gambino gave little mercy to anyone. He expected me to drop dead before I was ten. I guess I always knew that. I just wanted to prove myself to him. Prove that I was strong, prove him wrong. That was my goal: To prove Gambino wrong. To be able to look him in the eyes and not cower, but tell him that I am not weak. Eventually, I got over the cowering stage and could hold my own in battle. The only thing I got from him was a sword and knowledge of how to use it. Then he tried to kill me, but I got him first. I did prove him wrong in the end. I'm not weak.  
  
author's rambling -  
  
That's the end. I did feel like I got off the subject ( whatever it was) way too many times. It 's more like Guts just thought about everything that went on in his life as it came to him. (Mostly Griffith) What'd did you think? Now I want to write about Gatsu's life with Gambino. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I should probably finish writing what I started on earlier. Berserk just found a way to get into my head and nag at me. (I'm so easily distracted.) 


End file.
